The Elysian Fields

Philips DVP642 DivX-Certified Progressive-Scan DVD Player

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Simple is often best. This was allegedly a simple product, which I purchased to perform a simple task: play DVDs.

It tends not to do that.

Although it frequently ignores discs, and has a special affinity at not being able to play Disney products, especially the Studio Ghibli flicks they released and the Pie Rats of the Carob Bean trilogy, that's not the most critical problem.

For a while I noticed this problem on the special features on children's films. Maybe a short film, maybe a fun activity for kids. You know, unrated material.

Please enter password.

The parental controls, however, are disabled.

Please enter password.

It doesn't accept the default.

You know, on account of the parental controls being disabled.

I'm the parent - I'm the parental control for my kids. I don't need a piece of poorly coded software determining what does or doesn't meet some programmer's - or disc creator's - idea of what is safe for my kids to watch. Especially when it is, you know, safe. Veggie Tales. Disney. Kids stuff.

So I can use the password to set the parental controls, but even then, at the lowest-but-not-off setting, it asks and refuses to acknowledge the password I set or the default password.

So why am I writing this, long after I gave it a quick one star, moaned and complained to Philips Customer Disservice, picked apart the software bugs in their website that prevented me from reporting it on the first try, ripped them apart in a survey because they wanted to know how my experience using their website went, and figured that was more than enough time spent on such a useless, non-functioning product?

I was just attempting to watch a brand new DVD on some nice, relaxing qigong. You know, an exercise video. Which is, conveniently, not rated G, PG, PG-13, R, or anything else. So... I get the STOP hand. And then I try to go around that, and I get the non-functioning password prompt. At least with most of the DVDs I can skip the opening few seconds of the movie and get them to play, but because this brings the password problem in for the entire DVD, not the features, it's useless.

And no, it's not the DVD. It's running right now, attempting to help me relax, played on the PS2. Philips, I promise you one thing: you may have invented the CD, and I will continue to buy things based on that technology, but never will I purchase another product with your name on it. You've made a lifelong anti-Philips consumer out of me. Great job!

Well, to be fair, it does play some DVDs some of the time. Curiously enough, most of the time it hangs up, it's on that FBI warning. Perhaps I could involve the FBI in this? Maybe I should give the field office a call each time it stops? It would probably be more productive than contacting the irresponsible, incompetent manufacturer.

And, hey, maybe if I was lucky, they'd raid Philips and convince them to update the code on the product so it, you know, plays DVDs.